What It's Like Being an Interracial Couple in Beijing
Meet Mark and David, two expats in Beijing
My name is Mark Allan Karanja Ngina. I’m from Nairobi, Kenya, and I have been in China for three years and change.
My partner’s name is David Gannon. He is an ESL teacher here in Beijing. The loveliest Irish guy you will ever meet, with a heart of gold and the biggest smile you will ever see.
When did you start dating and long have you been together now?
We met about five years ago on a language exchange site called Interpals. At the time, I was looking for language exchange partners and he, from what he would tell me later, was looking for speakers of two or three African languages he was interested in. He landed on my profile and sent a very witty message, as is always the case with him and our friendship blossomed from there. At the time, he was living in Brazil and I was back home in Kenya. But even after he went back home to Ireland, we still kept in touch. He quickly became one of my closest friends, albeit online. We would skype on full 24 hour loops chatting.
About a year and a half into our friendship, he asked me whether he could come and visit me in Kenya. He had some days off from work, and as he put it at the time, the choice was either dreary rainy London, or sunny Nairobi. He chose the latter. Even though I said yes to his visiting me, I was very nervous about his visit. About three to six months into our friendship, I realized that I had feelings for him, a fact I expressed to him and he very firmly and respectfully shut it down. He is someone who values a good friendship, and did not wish for us to ruin a potentially good friendship over an internet romance that might fizzle off eventually. Furthermore, both of us had had bad experiences dating and we both needed time to heal. Though at the time I didn't quite realize that. Thank God for David’s foresight.
But his coming to Kenya meant I would have to confront my feelings for him in a real way beyond ignoring messages and trying to be distant over Skype calls. So I created an activity-packed itinerary which was bound to distract both of us, and would help me not let on the fact that I was in love with him. But the final stop on our fun-packed activity was along the dreamy Kenyan coast where a friend so generously invited us to stay in a gorgeous sea-front apartment. There is just something about such a place that melts even the most strident of hearts. I decided to shoot my shot, and he responded. The rest, as they say, is history.
When did you move to China together? Why China?
We moved to China in 2017, after a year of being in a long distance relationship. David came to visit me in Kenya a few times, but on his penultimate visit, we realized that we had to make a choice.
He had used up all of his holiday time and the only other way he would be able to make time to see me would be to quit his job. But that would have been a temporary – and rather stupid – fix. My own negative experiences while trying to apply for European visas left me reticent about visiting Ireland, so when the conversation eventually came up about where our relationship was going and where we saw ourselves living, Ireland was not even an option. Kenya was far easier for David to relocate to, were it not for the fact that as an ESL teacher, he would find no work.
So we looked outside of both Kenya and Ireland. We looked at a few African options, but they didn't quite fit the bill. Then we turned our attention to several Asian countries, and China came up on top. So we set about making arrangements to move here, which went quite fast, because within three months of us starting our search, we were already in Beijing.
Are there certain stereotypes or prejudices with interracial relationships in China? How is it in China VS how it is in your home countries?
The stereotypes we face vary from group to group. Just from our respective countries, they are wildly different. The assumption in Kenya is white men are quite wealthy so I had some friends tease me about landing a big fish. There is also the assumption that I was trying to snag a European for papers, for emigration purposes, since that IS something that people do. At the worst, people back home would assume that I am a gigolo for hire by white men, and that David is one in a retinue of white suitors that I use for money. For his part, David has told me of instances where people have insinuated that because I am black and African, I might be some sort of sex machine. There is also the worry that I might indeed be using him to get to Europe on a far more permanent arrangement.
But China has been a mixed bag of these misconceptions. We find that in China, black and white interracial couples aren’t as commonplace as White-Chinese couples. Even black-chinese couples. Black and white here seems incongruous to a lot of people who express their discomfort In many ways, some in dramatic and rude ways. David has been labelled a racist by virtue of being white, and told he would never be able to understand my struggles as a black African navigating in the world because of his ‘white privilege’. People don't seem to understand that we have far more in common, despite us being from two vastly different countries in terms of race, than they might think.
How do you perceive the LGBTQI community in Beijing, China? Do you feel it’s different for foreigners than for local Chinese people?
As a foreigner, and as part of a foreign gay couple, I feel we do enjoy a certain type of freedom that most Chinese LGBTQI members don't get to enjoy. We enjoy anonymity, and also the ever present “foreign therefore strange” mindset which precedes a lot of foreigners insulates us from being judged when we present as LGBTQI. We are also far less concerned with issues of saving face, as much as Chinese LGBTQI individuals might be, which leads them to remain in the closet far longer than they should, for the sake of not shaming their families with this revelation. We get to enjoy western freedoms here within the context of an authentic Asian culture.
Read more: Beijing LGBT Center: Working To Advance LGBT Rights in China
Any advice you’d give to others about dating someone from a different culture and race?
I will say, culture is a much bigger deal than race. The assumption is just because we come from the same race and occasionally share similar experiences, we are more compatible. But that could not be further from the truth. It is important for people to try and understand the culture first before being led by race. A westerner who was born and raised in China will have far more in common with local Chinese people than he would with his ‘own’ people.
I will also say, do not let difference in race discourage you from trying to find love outside of your own racial group. Wonderful things can happen when you look beyond your comfort zone. You might just find your soulmate.
Date Night China is your guide to dating in China, from love to lust, first dates to worst dates - top tips, hilarious stories, and relationship advice from other China Daters.
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